Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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