they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
