I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
