seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
