I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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