She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
