It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
