It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
