She said her name was "party"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize