We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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