it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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