Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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