Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
