I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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