toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
