It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
