Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
