She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
