Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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