8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
