I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
