My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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