Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The air taste purple.
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