His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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