I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
