how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
