I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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