My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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