the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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