I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
