My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
