So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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