Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
