false alarm. still invincible.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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