covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
