TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
