Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Randomize
