I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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