why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
