I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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