Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i black out too much to be "responsible"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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