If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
