he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize