I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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