I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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