life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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