you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
