Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize