my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
