is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
ttyl tear gas
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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