I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
