well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
