so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
