come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
