Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
