Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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