If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we're making bets on your personal life
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
