Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
