K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
