I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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