He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
