My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
