No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize