Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
operation have a gay friend backfired
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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