Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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