Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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