I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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