Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
